I’m tired of running.  It’s so much easier when alone, life.   Only thing that matters is what you want, need or think you need and nothing else.  For years I was single because I wanted to avoid the heartache and the stress that comes when loving someone.   I’m tired of running.

If only I could read minds or would that be a living hell?

When all of the sudden there’s a distance and I have no idea what caused it – my first thought used to be, run.   But when there’s a possibility for a life in the company of a good woman, a happy life,  running could be, would be a mistake.

Is it pain? Is it frustration?  Is it anger?  What else?  I’m the cause, somehow.

All my walls are down.  Too late to bring them back up.   Exposed.   It’s what I want.

I want to live.

I’m tired of running.


Went to the eye doctor today to get an exam. Forty four years old and now I need two sets of glasses. Don’t know how I feel about it. I guess I really don’t care. One pair will be for all day use. My “distance” glasses they called them. The other pair when I work, draw, write, sculpt and read, they called these my “reading” glasses. This time around I bought insurance for my all day pair. The ones on my face now are full of scratches, so many that they look dirty.
I was nervous about the exam because it had been about five years since my last visit. It wasn’t so bad though, my girlfriend was with me the whole time. Her presence helped me keep from feeling down about one of my eyes, its vision is horrible. I couldn’t see the big letters on one of the charts without my glasses and I still struggled to make out the letters with my glasses on.
I asked the doctor what could have caused my eye to get so much worse than my good eye. I hoped for a good reply but all he said was “means you’re getting old.”
So, in two weeks I’ll be switching glasses when I sit down at my desk to create. Though my vision has gotten worse I look forward to seeing bettter than I do now.
I have to thank my girlfriend, Alma (love you).  If it wasn’t for her I would have continued to wear my current pair of glasses for years.
I look forward to seeing the world through better lenses.


Years ago I took a drawing class and forgot I kept a few of my assignments.  I did good. I received a high ‘B.’

A week ago a coworker was talking about needing an art bag for his class.  I still had mine sitting in the closet from way back so I told him I would let him have it.  

I pulled it out of the closet and found another bag that I completely forgot I had.  I looked through it and came across a still drawing that I made using pastels.  I actually like it.  


Every year the stress is the same.  If I don’t buy anything for my family they’ll think I don’t love them.  We’ve all been programmed so well.

I know very well that nothing can represent the love I have for my family.  I love them with all that I am.

This Christmas I have a girlfriend.  I love her dearly, so much so that I can say my search is over.  I told her one day that I was a bit stressed out because I couldn’t figure out what to buy her for the holiday.  She looked at me and said “I don’t care about all that bullshit, Christmas to me is about being with the people you love and having a good time.  You don’t have to buy me anything. and I won’t buy you a present.”  We promised each other not to.  I tried to tell my family the same but somehow a few presents were still exchanged, my girlfriend and I split the cost of three bottles of wine.  One for my sister, one for my mother, one for my brother and his wife and put in envelopes a few bucks for my nieces and brother’s step daughter.

If you love someone and want to buy them something to show it, do it, but why wait for Christmas or their birthday.  Or, better yet, make them something.  This year one of my nieces painted a cartoon character for me and I love it and will always cherish it.

No Tourists

A day ago I saw a video clip talking about nurth coria (deliberately mispelled) banning american tourists. ‘Oooh shit’ I thought. 

Last night I had a dream… Los Angeles without warning was being bombed.  

In the dream realizing there was no escape, I hoped for a quick death – for everyone. 


Last Song

At the job. Halfway through my one and a half liter bottle of water, finished my sandwich and my side of slaw and it’s time to clock back in. 

Last song, an oldie  but relevant to the times I think. 

To have a listen click > KRS-ONE


In the kitchen, a party of two. Shots of vodka accompanied by music. Both cooked. Both laughed and even danced. The results a tasty success. And dessert, delicious


Deli, Done

Twenty-years, half a pound of this quarter pound of that.  Small containter of potato salad, large container of pasta salad. 

The not so kind, “What do you mean you’re out. Im going to complain. That’s the only reason why I came” – with a basket full of other groceries.

“I said thin slice!” Pretend to adjust the blade, show them the same slice “that’s better” – the assholes.

Pushed by an ego maniac – the department manager – and the encouragement of a woman introduced to me by the universe at my brother’s wedding, now my girlfriend, I will be clocking in to work the deli for the last time. 

Might end up covering a shift here and there, but it’s okay, they know that with the deli I am done. 


The job. Underground, redline to Hollywood. In my ears – muisc. 

Rehired, Why?

It’s my day off and I get a call from one of my bosses, the assistant department manager.  An “owner partner” said she couldn’t go in tomorrow because of a doctors appointment. The assistant continues to tell me that he worked with this o.p. yesterday and saw that she looked at the schedule and later in the day even made a comment about who she was going to work with on Thursday.  The call was to tell me to cover her shift, that he would deal with not having a mid shift.  Tomorrow we get two loads of products at separate times of the day. The department needs a mid shift to cover the counter but because this person – that according to others whom have worked with her in the past,  should not have been rehired – customers will probably walk away because they lack the patience or time to wait for service.  One of the loads is perishables and arrives at lunch time.  Some of our customers only get half hour lunch breaks.

I hang up after the assistant tells me to go in at 1 p.m.

Minutes later I receive a text.  To come in at my originally scheduled time, 10 a.m., that this bad for business changed her mind, she will go in as scheduled.

The store manager must be covering up for her because I find it hard to believe the company would keep her on payroll if they were aware of her behavior.  So much time and money wasted covering her shifts and worse the stress it causes the department and what it does to morale.

What ever.  I feel better now. The loss of my few minutes of peace avenged.